‘Cesar’ Paddling Against the Current – Rio Jama – June 2015
“There are, it seems, two muses: the Muse of Inspiration, who gives us inarticulate visions and desires, and the Muse of Realization, who returns again and again to say “It is yet more difficult than you thought.” This is the muse of form.
It may be then that form serves us best when it works as an obstruction, to baffle us and deflect our intended course. It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings.”
― Wendell Berry
Magnificent Frigates practice touch-and-go aerobatics — Thursday morning, June 4
Fatigue and sore joints linger as I slowly reclaim my normal life ‘after dengue.’ Painting presents some new challenges; one is an unpredictable shake that suddenly takes control of my hand and then vanishes just as quickly. I ignore it and assume it will eventually grow bored and vanish. The fatigue affects my ability to stick with the painting, and after an hour’s session, I usually stop and rest for another hour. The birds provide excellent distraction for those commercial breaks.
The watercolor study ‘Before Dengue” —
Painting this watercolor has been work. It has also provided a necessary discipline for me to show up for work even if I feel like playing hooky. I stare at the painting and nudge myself to move forward. Losing electricity hasn’t helped, but I moved my work area to a window and cut fresh flowers for reference.
The first few sessions were brief, and I realized that I was not as strong as I thought!
We were without power all day Saturday and most of Sunday. Building a bit more physical strength, I squeezed in several painting sessions and then slept for ten hours. While painting on Sunday night, we lost power again; that’s one way to stop progress on a painting! On Monday morning, I could not find the painting. I eventually found it propped on a shelf, where I had critiqued it the night before by candle light.
The painting and I have argued a lot; I was unable to access the reference photos. The colors seemed wrong, and I could not find any remnants of dead butterflies in the yard on on the road. “Does it REALLY matter?” I asked myself. “Of course not.. just paint…” I worked from memory and darkened some areas of the wing and focused on meticulous details.
Little by little the painting gains depth.
Using fresh foliage for reference, I floated in the subtle shapes of the secondary cast while pondering how to work in the background colors — or to take an easier option and leave the background white. My fatigue prompted me to leave it white, but a more-stubborn part nudged me to keep working.
The yellows looked too anemic, and the butterfly seemed too pale. I added a deeper wash on the butterfly’s wings on Monday or Tuesday. The second yellow flower was too strong in color, and it needed to fade into the background. My attempts made it look muddy. Each day the power was off during the daytime and was back on around sunset. I looked at the images on the computer and promptly scrubbed the darker color from the butterfly’s wings. I knocked over containers of water. The jar of brushes fell to the floor.
I pondered abandoning the entire painting. I remembered being afflicted by these same insecurities about twenty or more years ago. I suspected that my fatigue was influencing my self-inflicted negative feedback. I also remembered that a little patience and several more hours usually turns a questionable painting into a stronger one. Although it took almost a week of ‘touch and go’ sessions, I reached this point on Wednesday, when we lost power again. I worked until the natural light was totally gone
The dark reds stained the paper, so the colors did not lift ‘back’ to the lighter orange. There are more washes to apply to the background areas, which will give more depth.
Wendell Berry’s words gave me comfort, and they will help me bring this watercolor study to an end. The painting will forever be special, however, as it represents my road to recovery from dengue – and perhaps from chikungunya as well.
A friend wrote today and stated,
“It hurts to know you’re in pain.
I only know SuperWoman
Who has the energy of a 17Yr old..
You will heal of course.“
I wondered if I should share the negative side of painting, but I realized that it’s important for others to know that we all have days when things don’t work out as we’d hoped. We have self doubt and we question our choices. And sometimes a professional artist creates some duds. So here I am, hobbling along physically and at times with inner struggles as I find my way back to good health.
Thanks, everyone, for your continued support.
Z
Zeebra Designs & Destinations 
Z, you are truly a fighter. Your persistence serves you well in this journey, as it has in others. The electricity going out seems to be a practical metaphor of yet one more obstacle. Per Churchill, when you walk through hell, it is essential to keep walking. All the best, BTG
For sure, we’ll keep walking thru hell, even if it’s a hobble from ankles that don’t want to flex!
Hello, nice to “meet” you! Your work is lovely and I appreciate you showing the beginning to the end painting project, it really puts things into perspective. I’m no artist (my daughter is aspiring to be) but I do know that we all have those moments of ups and downs, self-doubt and so on but it is important to persevere and push through. Have a blessed day!
thanks for your comment and for the vote of support. yes, we do have those times of self doubt, and they remind us that we’re all a bit fragile at times.
tell your daughter to practice practice practice, and to never let her left brain intimidate the right one!
I was trying to post on some of your past postings about the dengue/chikv but it wouldn’t let me. Anyway, I just wanted to say I hope you are finally getting better and are on the mend. It seems to be a nasty disease that hangs around forever and is exhausting. Prayers to you, dear!
Thank you; I’m not sure what the problem might be with the comments, aside from WP glitches.
I’ve had dengue before so knew to expect the fatigue, but wow, it’s a ‘kick you down and stomp on you’ kind of exhaustion. Thankfully my symptoms will eventually disappear, unlike some who suffer from chronic pain, depression etc…
Let’s see if I have this right. Your hand is shaking from the after effects of a serious sickness and your electricity went out. And yet you created a beautiful work of art. You ARE Superwoman!! Let’s hope the “dengue” leaves you alone from now on!
Good morning! You gave me a nice chuckle! Thanks for your vote of confidence
!
Wendell Berry’s words are indeed inspiring. As is your determination, Z. Seeing your painting grow in depth and colour is like watching you gain strength and vibrancy. Maybe you are not fully healed yet but you are well on the way. Your painting says so. Hugs.
I replied to your comment, but who knows where it went. Perhaps it’s hitching a round-the-world tour of the world on the magic carpet?
I tried to reply to your last post, which i loved, and was inspired by the photos of the food. the photos made me instantly hungry!!! z
Well, this comment has arrived! Glad my post made you feel hungry. That’s a good sign of your recovery, too.
you bet’cha my appetite’s back! i think my metabolism is burning like the arctic ice sheet… i’m wondering if the shaky hand might be low blood sugar, though i am eating well, i’m still hungry…
That could be the case.
Powerful quote, Lisa, and inspiring insights from you. Like you, the butterfly is resting and will soon fly off to another flower. 🌻
Thanks, Lynn! I wondered if it had flown away when I couldn’t find the painting!\\I look forward to when I can flit and fly without having to pay for it a few hours later via exhaustion!
really interesting to see the beginnings and endings of the painting and hear by way of what you share when you write how it was for you to actually work through this …sounds like you are finally on the mend from the dreaded dengue ! Beautiful work ❤
thanks, gwen. the shakes re here full strength this morning. it’s been a very strange recovery! thanks again for your comments and support/suggestions as i’ve worked through this illness. z
You’re last paragraph says it all. Not everything we undertake is easy, nor comes out as planned on the first try. But our best works often result from those we’ve struggled with the longest, the ones that proved most difficult, even discouraging at times. Well done Lisa, and we all are your biggest fans.
thanks for your kind words, and you surely understand the self doubt when you switch from what works well to a new style or design with your cutting boards. do people say that th boards are too prettty to use? many people do not want to walk on a hand-painted floor, but that’s part of its beauty – that it’s functional as well as comforting to the sense of sight and touch.
I actually have a banner that calls out my “Functional Kitchen Art,” to emphasize the art of the work. In responding to the “too pretty” comment, I suggest that on can display one side of the board, and use the other, or go ahead and display it as that it were similar as the art in their other rooms. As an artist of the fine magnitude you are, I’m sure you’d appreciate the looks of awe and recognition I get in response.
I’m an old retired guy that is just learning the lessons of art you’ve known your whole life. One is that art can take many, many forms, including a functional tool such as a cutting board.
Thanks for the great comment and I’m so happy you are on the mend!
It’s been a long haul for you Z, taking both physical and mental strength to get through this period. I’m sending you big hugs from TX my friend, that you continue to fully recover. Your painting is a testament to the master artist that you are, bringing the human side to your work and letting us see and understand the limitations brought upon by this terrible illness. For what the viewer sees is nothing short of a stunning work of art.
Take good care Z – I worry about your care and hope you are eating well, knowing sleep is not an issue. Stay positive my friend, continue the fight you are almost back.
I am eating very well – thank you so much for your concern! today i wondered if the shaky hand might be low blood sugar, though i am eating well, the symptoms are similar.. i plan to go to the clinic the next time i get the shaky hands and check the bp, pulse, etc and see if anyone else has this side effect.
haven’t peeked to see what blanca’s doing today, but i suspect that many of the gulf-coast areas will be getting rain in a few days.. hope all is going ok in your area of tx.
z
It might be good for you if you could put your hands on a battery-powered blood pressure machine that provides pulse as well as bp. Then, if you’re feeling woozy or lightheaded, or have those strange feelings that a low or high pulse rate can bring, you could check it right there at home. They’re sturdy, functional little machines. I still have the one Mom used, so it’s probably 9-10 years old. It uses four AA batteries, and never has had a problem.
If nothing else, you could create a record of symptoms/readings that might be of use to the clinic workers.
si.. thanks for that feedback.. i did have it checked at the clinic.. odd thing, i also found out that another person has the ‘hand shakes’ which gave me a bit of relief.. whew.. it’s a side effect…
Hi Z, the lakes are at and over (in some cases) capacity, except in West Texas – some flooding has occurred and they are trying to release the water at a speed to not flood those down stream. Hope the clinic can get to the bottom of your shaky hands and low blood pressure. Take care and hope this week you continue to recover gaining strength.
thanks for the update i hope that the waters continue to go down slowly and no one downstream is affected.
a friend gave me a ride to town (problems at el matal/tides/waves) and he said that his father has the shaky-hand side effect. whew.
Oh, my poor dear! I know that you will kick this thing! I think that your painting is just lovely! To me it is vibrant and lively! Hugs to you Chica! Be well… ^..^
i think i’ll start sending the magic carpet every week to pick up ‘tasty tuesday’ to go… i’m not strong enough for the trip, but hey, it’s a magic carpet so maybe that’s just what i need!
🙂 I would love to come to see you with food in hand!
I know you’ve been less than up to speed for a while now. I’ve been thinking about you, & I’m sending you much healing energy. K
thanks.. i’m grateful for all sources of that healing energy. the more the better. thank you so much!
I think you have made incredible progress, especially considering the dengue.It’s coming along beautifully.
Sending some healing Reiki.
I’ll accept/absorb all external power sources!! Thanks!
you have made a beautiful work of art in spite of all the obstacles. You are an inspiration. Keep getting well!
Thank you; I’m way behind on what’s happening in your world.. For now it’s one day at a time, and it’s hard to find the strength to even read more than a simple paragraph.. even a very simple one… i acknowledge the changes my body seems to need to mend, and know that in a few months it will be a very distant memory.. and i’ll say, ‘oh, it wasn’t that bad..’
Whatever your struggles, and clearly there were many, the painting is beautiful!
Alison xox
Thank you; I’m glad that you like the progress of the painting.
it/ the painting surely holds the subtle record of my struggles to get well.
Lisa like you I never dwell on the negative,
It is ok to let us know you are having a tough time.
Because you show us how to keep busy and not give in.
The blue back ground was needed against the warm colours.
and regardless of setbacks you did a beautiful painting.
You are a winner a survivor so now you can take a well earned rest,
I love the way you show us the progression of the painting and how under your perseverance it slowly comes to life. Take it easy on your self, take the time out to just watch your beautiful wild life on the river and give your body time to fully recover.
That Berry quotation is one of my favorites. It always reminds me of the small stream that formed and flowed from three springs up in the hill country. Had it not been for the rocks in the stream bed, that faint, lovely song never would have existed.
And I know everyone has said it, but I’ll say it again: recovery takes time. And when you’re already depleted (from dengue, or whatever), every other insult, like poor internet connections or power loss, become even greater drains on your energy.
Just remember: we don’t need you to be a superwoman. We need you to be Lisa. 🙂
hey amiga, and thank you.. i so love your posts, and the recent ones abotu the camels have been very interesting… i have been reading some articles about ‘dengue/chikungunya and found out that most likely new orleans had a chikunguna outbreak in the 1800’s… research is fascnating, isn’t it?
will share more soon.. am at el matal (sitting down) and watching another surrprise attack from the ocean. it’s not pretty.
ps.. i miss seeing your comments at times on wunderground/tropical, but then there are some personalties there now that make is not so ‘professional’ regarding the weather.
hope blanca’s fizzled out – haven’t looked in a few days/internet sluggish…
z
Thanks for sharing the rocky journey of a master craftsman. (And, no, I don’t mean to say that you are “crafting” I mean to use that word as I would in reference to Pablo Neruda or Michelangelo.) If creating brilliant art were easy, we wouldn’t need artists to glorify our existence.
I hope you won’t judge your butterfly too harshly. If you must, put it in a closet and don’t come back to it for a few months…when you are feeling stronger and more clear headed.
And keep allowing yourself to rest. Perhaps the Dengue came to you just so your body could get the vital rest it needed.
hey amiga
i am not surprised that your suggestions reflect many of my same thoughts. yes, i will put it away and return to it when ‘fresh.’ and yes, i needed a hibernation/incubation mode…
thank you so much!
Driven people find it dificult to pause. That’s where a higher power…whatever that is …steps in to the rescue. 😉
Poco o poco you’ll be back 100% Love the painting. As you’ve probably noticed I haven’t posted mew paintings in months. Since painting the 26 gifts for the grandchildren last year , I’ve been struggling with the symptoms of carpal tunnel. Doing exercises have helped so poco o poco I’ve been picking up my paint brush. Hope you feel totally better soon, hugs amiga
you have my sympathy.. remember when i painted so much that my shoulder ‘froze’ with bursitis? thankfully doc tangri (applied kinesiology) put it back in place in like five minutes.
really bad prbs at el matal.. am there/here now after photographing this morning’s high tides/waves.
more soon, z
Reading this it’s very obvious that you need that break from work, Lisa. Sending more hugs 🙂